How It All Began

In the midst of longstanding difficulties a truth began to emerge.  A truth with the power to turn wounds into wisdom.

"When you listen with compassion, you help the other person suffer less. One hour like that brings transformation and healing."-Thich Nhat Hahn

My journey with listening began through my experience of living with an invisible and chronic illness.  I was having a difficult subjective experience that was not obvious to others and this left me feeling isolated and afraid in my experience.  I found myself longing to be truly heard and understood—almost as much as I wanted to find a cure. The weight of the pain I was carrying was too heavy to bear alone, and I found that sharing it with others not only helped lift my burden but also eased my pain. 

When I encountered compassionate and non-judgmental listening, I discovered myself feeling better.  To my surprise this not only lessened emotional discomfort, but somehow also helped ease physical pain too.  High quality of listening made me feel less alone, reassured me that I was not crazy, and it created a sense of agency and empowerment in me.  It opened avenues of self-love that I had been struggling with and helped me to define my own inner truth.  All of this made me feel better in the moment and helped me develop better tools for healing in the long run. 

However, it became clear that not all listening was the same. When I attempted to open up to someone with poor listening skills it always left me feeling worse.   In a culture filled with so many underdeveloped listeners I regularly encountered all the major traits of non-listening.  These included unsolicited advice, toxic positivity, self-centered communication and occasional gaslighting.  There is real harm that one feels when encountering these traits and this can be a dangerous driver to shut down and isolate.  I am grateful that I had some people who could listen compassionately and this informed me that I could dare to hope for more of that.  So I became intentional and strategic in seeking out spaces and people who could truly listen.

I began attending support groups, therapy sessions, and a 12-step group.  In those spaces, I experienced the transformative power of practices like no cross-talk and no unsolicited advice. I also started weekly conversations with a deep listening partner, and these became a cornerstone of my healing process.

As I continued to experience the saving power of being listened to, I began paying closer attention to what made listening truly effective. I wanted to understand what made listening so healing so that I too could create the kind of space for others that had been so vital on my journey.

In my work as a support professional for individuals with special needs, a peer specialist and a hospice volunteer, I was given many opportunities to listen. While I had already learned so much from my personal journey about what kind of listening felt healing, my skills deepened even further when I began seeking out every listening class I could find. I applied what I learned with intention.  Through practice, my abilities began to grow.

Learning to set aside my own thoughts and reactions to remain fully present, I became better at maintaining a one-pointed focus on my speaker. Although mind wandering is normal, I found that concentration can improve with practice.  I also developed an ease and comfort with silence in conversations—something that hadn’t come naturally to me before. I grew more skillful at using thoughtful, strategic questions when appropriate, helping speakers uncover possibilities and draw closer to their own truths.

Perhaps most importantly, I committed to the inner work necessary for deep listening. I actively questioned and sought to dismantled biases or ego-driven tendencies that could prevent me from holding a non-judgmental, open space for others—an essential foundation of transformational listening.  Doing this kind of work has been rewarding but I also have felt growing pains in the process. 

On this journey, I also came to see that deep listening was very similar to my meditation practice. This realization helped me reframe listening as a spiritual practice for myself. Whether I am listening to another person, to myself, to nature, or More, I know it must be done with presence, open-heartedness, and consistency. Listening has become, for me, not just a way to heal and a skill but a sacred act of connection and care.